the day after....

 feeling better post melt down...thanks for all the kind words.  it does really help.  i suspect my personality has been more tolerated than appreciated so it was great to see that it is appreciated by many as well.

 i took a drive to Seward and back.  have always wanted to check out what is going on around the little airstrip.  will check out the other half next time, this time we went to the ocean side of the strip and found a little gem.  it's full of lagoons and birds and many lupine and wild iris.  a sea of purple.

 the sky was full of smoke from the swan lake fire so though it is lovely out, doing a big hike was probably not a good idea with my respiratory history. a drive was wiser.  as it turned out the air quality was much better by Seward than in Anchorage.

 feel a need to address a few things....i did not leave CA to disconnect from my family, i left because i already felt that disconnect.  they had all moved forward with their lives.  you can't live other peoples lives, you have to find your own.  i knew the risk was a further disconnect but i was already in pain where i was...it seemed like it was worth the risk.  it was. 

 i put a great deal of effort into being a part of the family despite moving far away.  i regularly attempted to call siblings, i called my Mom nearly every day when she was alive.  in general the phone calls to my siblings were either not answered, not returned or one sided.  still i persisted.  i sent birthday cards to every family member for years..often without getting any reciprocation.  i sent every niece and nephew a Christmas gift...which was expensive on my limited budget at the time.  i hand made quilts when family had babies, bought wedding gifts...let me say a good percentage of the time i did not even get notice that these gifts had even arrived let alone any sort of thank you...but still i persisted...why, because i wanted to be a part in my family.

 so any notion that i disappeared and chose to detach is false.  the culture of Mormonism is that you become deeply involved in your individual ward.  there is a great deal to admire in this level of dedication.  at some point i realized that it actually wasn't me or the fact that i had left the church...that the siblings were often so busy with their own ward activities that they didn't see each other much, even if they lived near each other and were still deeply involved in the church.  that is just the culture of the religion. if you were catholic you may choose to worship in a location where you could all go together, that is not how Mormonism works.  you stick to designated wards. it's based on geography not relationships 

 for me, moving far away from the culture was the best way to find my own way outside of the culture. i like that one religion where kids are encouraged to take a year off of their church.  with a religion as all encompassing as the one i grew up in was...you do really have to completely walk away to discover your true feelings. you can't live and breath the doctrine, going to church nearly every day and still explore the other options out there. at least from my experience, that is the truth.

 in the end i rejected the religion i grew up in. i also rejected the politics i grew up with. 

 i should point out.....in rejecting these things i did not become a drug addict, i did not become an alcoholic, i did not turn to a life of crime.  i remained a decent human being.  i remained generally kind and compassionate.  I'm a nurse, for Gods sake.  i am not some ogre. 

 but i rejected what they believed and that was the hurdle that was always too much to overcome.  there was always that underlying.  my other brother left, but he was gay.  in many ways i think he stayed so long because he wanted to belong.  he wanted to find a way to make it work.  the church rejected him.  i rejected the church. that is a significant difference. 

 one i fear, i can never overcome.

 after i left the church, oddly, i received a 4-5 page typed letter if i recall correctly about how terrible my choice was to leave the church.  what a reprobate i was...you know who that came from....my gay brother.  i shed a great many tears over that letter.  it was a scary time in my life, making this choice to reject the religion and not knowing if i would lose the family i had, even though i felt disconnected in many ways.  when he came out, i mentioned this letter and asked if i should switch the names and return it.  he apologized.  so often others feelings get redirected to you and you never know why the reaction was what it was.  at least i got an answer to that reaction.

 the wild flowers are going great at the top of the mountains headed towards Seward.  this is the snow machine area up there...always a great area for wild flower hunting.

 by the way our eldest brother has for years taken things out on me that made it possible for him to live in peace with others..at least that is what i believe.  he can be incredibly charming but that charm has been absent with me. not sure if it was me leaving the church or the money situation but i have had many arguments on behalf of others...i was the punching bag.  so perhaps i just know a different person because it was easy to put me in that position. i have had major arguments about gay rights, and gay adoption about serving drinks at a wedding.  those were not my arguments but i was a safe person to take to task for these and many other issues.

 for the eldest two i feel i did more for them than most.  i babysat a lot at a cheap rate. yes i loved my nieces and nephews but still i allowed them a great deal of time to do and pursue other things during that time in their lives.  his wife got her education and career because i was able to be there for them.  as with many other siblings as it turned out i spent hours upon hours listening to the rambling of our second eldest.  instead of appreciation for these hours i have been met with disdain for my differing view points. i do not get the respect for having a different opinion that i see others get...i still have no idea why that is.  why it's okay for others to have a different opinion and be treated with respect while i am not. all i could do was walk away.  i unfriended them both because i felt it was the only way i could possibly salvage a relationship...in general i think that failed anyway.

 so the reunion idea is not as easy for me as for you.  the idea of just not speaking about religion or politics sounds good, but maybe there is just too much water under the bridge.  maybe their disdain and disrespect have become too much of a reality for me to overcome. i am held to a much higher standard than they are.  they post rants and negativity and are not called out.  i would be, i have been. 

 still our family was one that didn't always raise each other up.  compliments were not granted with great regularity. for how great a father our Dad was, he was prone not to compliments but to judgment.  i cooked many of the meals in our home. i will promise you that i never made one meal that did not get a "this is good but....".  he found poems i had written and though he was well meaning he grammatically corrected them all.  ignoring the artistry.  so many missed opportunities. the few times i heard positives from my dad they actually came from others.  i know we all found this.  he would tell someone in the ward the complimentary thing about us...it would have meant so much more if he could have told us that himself. 

 as a single person you rarely hear anything positive.  it is tough some times.  i do appreciate all the positive things said to me yesterday. you all have no idea how much it means to hear.  still there is always a part of me that doesn't believe it...that says in my head, but....

 so some compliments to my siblings.  the eldest..he is charming and he can debate like nobody's business.  overall he seems to have been great with his kids,  making them a huge priority, making sure his job always allowed him to attend their events.  the next is intelligent and well read. he also made his kids his priority.  when things were horrible for him, he wanted to do right by them.  my next brother is kind and generous.  he came upon a family late in life and he has embraced it with everything he has. 

 my sister.  she is a wonder with kids. amazing really.  she just has an innate and vexing charm with the wee ones.  she is also kind and generous.  my next brother is the mellowest.  he included me no matter the cost to himself growing up.  he is kind as well.

 the brother right up from me has become a very good friend.  he bravely reads this blog despite the pain it may bring him. i appreciate that he takes this time to really try to get to know and understand me.  we had our battles growing up and he was the most impatient of the siblings.  he has risen to become one of the most kind and patient people i know.  it's great to see him in the loving relationship he was been blessed with, having happiness that is well deserved.

 wild flowers and my own flowers.

 the dogs were beat after we stopped many times coming and going to Seward to let them run around.  they always love that.

 i missed the lowest part of the tide due to sleeping in. 

 stopped at the sea life center.  the octopus was on the move which was super cool to watch

 smoke was thick at times. 

 back to work again tonight.  we shall see what that brings.

 off to meet my friend for a walk in a few.  we will just do the airstrip so we aren't working our lungs too much.  better toss in my inhaler.  should order another.  i need to replenish my supply..the old ones have expired. like to have them scattered about just in case.

 the pictures do not do the wildflowers justice

 these are from Homer

 play time with the sea stars

 you can see the puppies really appreciated it...haha

 as the song says...you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need.

 i have some bad days and some frustrations in life but overall i have gotten what i need. 

 there are things you can't control...like how others respond to you or see you. 

 some of that is their own shit or some preconceived notion that you will never rise above. 

grateful for A.  an amazing world to escape to and recover from emotions  B.  dogs that share the good and the bad  C.  friends and family who see you, really see you