just another day in paradise.

 it was time to adjust the Skelly crew.  this seemed fitting. many are still not doing these basic things.  mostly because they are still under the belief that this is a conspiracy...deep state and all that is still alive and well in the Republican party crew. there are many who will never get that this is really a real thing until they or their relatives are dying and in need of care.  brainwashing is a powerful thing. 

 i have noted to some that the new Alaska Center between the two big hospitals may be a great place to set up a field hospital...they are doing just that. a guy went on the article announcing this saying there were no patients just like the pictures in New York field hospitals show no patients...clearly this is all a hoax in his mind. looked at his page and it's filled with right wingnut bull.  he's in hook line and sinker.  no pictures in the New York places filled for a variety of reason for those who are sane...

 our nation still tries to protect the patients. their information is for them.  so taking photo's in a place filled with patients is really not something that is done in this nation as a rule.  having media inside places like this, when they are filled with covid patients would be foolish....having anyone who is not treating or being treated is foolish since this virus seems fairly easy to spread and we have limited protective gear for those who are trying to treat the patients.

 saw a Dr mention that we, the hospital crew, are really not the front line on this.  we are the last line of defense.  by the time it gets to us the virus is winning.  the community members are actually the front line.  what the community members do determines how long this will drag out.  if many continue to not distance or to believe this is all a hoax or conspiracy then this will drag on longer as they get sick and die...as they will no doubt not follow the advice given.  and really at this time, in this nation, it's basically only strong advice. 

 it doesn't help that the administration and idiot at the helm are incapable it seems of putting together a cohesive and influential message...there is an abundance of lies, misinformation, misdirection...the iitoo is a petty and vindictive child/man who needs to have his ego stroked by everyone that is near him.  so he won't allow assistance to go to places that he perceives as not treating him with the fawning he so desperately needs.

 i have taken the dogs out walking each day.  i avoid any lots that appear full.  thankfully, we do have a smaller population base here than other urban areas in the lower 48.  i know it's harder down there to get some outside time since with so many others it becomes impossible to keep the 6 foot distance. 

 i am still having anxiety. i know many are.  i was happy that i was put on call all three nights and never called in.  the place is not too crazy at this time since we have not hit a peak and hopefully never will ( which i'm sure that idiot in Fairbanks will see as proof that it's all a hoax.)  the hospital is not doing any unnecessary procedures. 

 i am not a fan of our Governor but i do feel happy that he seems to be listening to the local Dr's and science and has taken some steps to attempt to protect our state.  these attempts are really only as good as the folks who follow or don't follow.  sadly, we still do live in a nation of entitlement. 

 i woke with a headache yesterday and nausea.  there are so many signs and symptoms of covid that it is easy i think to start imagining yourself getting sick.  it's irrational i know....and i do try to remind myself that the death rate is not as huge as my brain is trying to convince me. not the media...though i know many want to blame them...they are reporting the facts. you just have to be careful what media you pay attention to and also as has been true for several years, make sure you get to several reliable sources....fox, limbaugh, alex jones...these are not reliable sources.  i have no clue when people will figure that out. 

 many will probably be in hospital beds dying of covid and still insisting on watching fox !!

 anyway, i checked my temperature several times, no fevers, pulse ox has been fine.  yesterday i took half a dose of the antianxiety which turned out to be enough to calm me.

 i don't like that i am having anxiety with this and i have been trying to focus less on all of this stuff and more on the cute animals i reside with.  it is pretty tough to avoid completely though and having a job in the hospital it is kind of important to be aware of what is going on.

 the iitoo today was talking like the hospitals are lying about needing equipment or its disappearing.  the masks are supposed to not be used all day long and with different patients. i guess i always knew that in a crisis the hospital would toss all the regular practices out the window...not ours, all of them. 

 we do all find that ironic..after so many years of being hounded by the likes of JAHCO.  you want a conspiracy...look into the bull that whole thing is.  now all those rules that we were hounded on for years have been tossed aside...that is what is alarming. 

 we are not the priority for protection.  in a pandemic you don't run in without protection.  there is no emergency worth taking out the staff in a pandemic, but the medical staff are getting ill at alarming rates.  so are the EMS and Police and Fire.  i think in New York i saw that over 500 Police and EMS are out sick with covid. i recall my first night in ER as our first rule out cases were coming in the EMS crew weren't wearing masks...the DR looked at them and told them they have to get masks and wear them.  they are at high risk. 

 respect is nice but we'd all prefer to be alive. to come home to our families...even if those family members are fur. i don't want to get this disease.  i want to have the right protective wear.  i think that is part of the anxiety...the not knowing if we will have the right protection.  what we may be expected to do when our turn comes for cases to come in at us.

 the kitten is settling in.  it's now been one day over a week since he moved in and he seems fairly comfortable.  there is still the occasional hiss from Miss Breezy Chatterbug. i haven't seen them snuggling, but they are able to be in the same space, chill.  they play at the same time with the same toy. 

 Miss Breezy has not been able to breech the downstairs area due tot he dogs...but this guy.  he was sleeping on the couch between the two dogs napping this afternoon.  i was quite surprised. 

 the plan is to do drop off/pick up tomorrow for neuter i hope.  i'll call in the morning.  since he's new they said they would see him.  it can probably wait though since even more restrictions have been put up.

 he is super cute. i have always loved the orange tabby cats...they just tend to have great personalities.

 some play time with both cats...and often the dogs as well.  they love this toy.

 so strange that just a few weeks ago the world was normal and now this virus has taken over the entire planet...except Antarctica i guess. that would be disastrous.  the cruise ships have been disastrous.  the iitoo wanted to bail them out.  thankfully, that didn't happen. those big ships are registered under other nations to avoid the US rules and taxes no doubt, now they want US money. 

 there is yet another cruise ship loaded with passengers, many of whom are sick with covid...who knew ships were still going out...seems crazy.

 loving this little guy already...and he is for sure winning over the other furs in the house.

 i do have a little harness and leash.  attempted the past few days to get him outside to see if he would like that.  he seems scared and just wants to come back in...he was a stray so maybe it was scary out there.

 he does look cute in the harness.

 he actually seems way too sweet to have been a stray actually.  i suspect he was dumped off. 

 look how closely they are sitting together. 

 today i was out at North Bivouac again.  it's easy.  close.

 gives the cats time to work out their relationship.

 he is a good  eater and uses the cat litter box well so that is all good stuff.  gotta put out the garbage...just remembered.

 i get so little accomplished most days.  amazing i really should just get stuff done, do early spring cleaning.  it would be good to focus my mind elsewhere.  easier said than done though.

 he looks super huge jumping.  i really wonder how big he will end up and how old the vet will think he is.

 paw, touching tail...

 close quarters. fun to see them working it out.  i'm hoping he will help her to feel more free to wander around the house.  i have felt bad that she's felt trapped upstairs.

 they do have a pretty good life here with me. hopefully, i am around for a very long time. my pets need me.

 Sir Covi Cat and his minions.  he's winning them over as well.

 she's been giving him little baths...i better turn in early if i want to get to the vets.  i have got my mail in ballot ready and did the online census so i have done some stuff. 

thankful for: A friends and family who check in on me.  B. pets who entertain and relax me. C. fresh air and healthy feeling lungs

a wee little panic attack this morning...

 woke up and just got myself all worked up. i have a thermometer and a pulse ox at the bedside and i just got imagining symptoms and that i had covid.  crazy really.  i have a small stash of xanax for flights that i got last year due to anxiety in flying...post landing in crash positions years ago.  i got myself so worked up i decided to take one.  it totally helped. 

 i am currently on call.  i've heard of this in other hospitals. the calm before the storm.  i'll take it.  many hospitals have emptied out quite a bit in anticipation of the influx of covid cases. so until/when/if that happens we will be a bit fluff for a bit.  that is even with them putting folks at the doors to check temps and working with the other local hospitals to man the testing stations. 

 todays report is 2300 tests done, 69 positive cases, just 1-3 hospitalized.

 our numbers are still climbing but not as rapidly as some of the larger urban areas in the lower 48.

 i do not see myself as an anxious person at baseline.  oddly, when i am in the actual emergency situations in life, i remain quite calm.  it's anticipation that can undo me. 

 some of my emergency situations that i have remained calm for....the plane crash situation.  the pilot came on during a commercial flight (after we had aborted our landing) and said, "listen to your flight attendants and prepare for crash landing".  this is not what one wants to hear. we flew around a bit to dump fuel and to see what landing gear we had down i think.  in the end it was a gentle landing as he slowed the plane and didn't use the brakes.  we were in crash positions and the flight attendants were repeating over and over, "brace, brace, brace, don't move".  my panic/anxiety hit me days later.

 i also remained calm when i was sleeping in my car in a campground and woke to a grizzly bear clawing/biting his way into my car.  i have remained calm when the entire face of a glacier came down while i was in a kayak on the water in front of it...we rode out the rather large waves that came towards us, dodging ice bergs...several more, not to mention being in many situations as an icu/picu nurse.

 i have worked myself into a panic before.  most memorable for me was at the Don Sheldon mountain house cabin.  i made the mistake of reading the log book.  that cabin is on a mountain top outcrop, surrounded by glacier.  my friend woke up and i wrote a note, "i am having a panic attack"...we went outside, as it was light all night, and she helped talk me down.  not sure if it was the height or the grandness of it.  the beauty and setting are awe inspiring but also panic inducing.

 i slept a bit more after the xanax this morning and took the dogs for a walk at the dog park. 

 social distancing of course.

 the pets have been a great distraction and comfort.

 Miss Breezy Chatterbug and Sir Covi Cat are beginning to come together more....i do think they will be buddies soon enough. i think the dog walk gives them the space to work out some of that without the dogs intruding.

 Covi Cat is moving around more without having the dogs chase him anytime he moves. i suspect the dog walks help with that.

 i did order masks and face shields from the China web site. pretty pathetic that this is even necessary.  there are healthcare workers getting this at a fairly rapid rate.

 the tests are still not readily available, which would help us know more where we are at and how big of a problem any one community has.  people have been waiting in long lines all day with fevers in New York to be turned away without getting tested.  it's pretty crazy. 

 this administration is a huge fail in all this.  as someone said, he can't tweet nastiness to a virus. the virus can't be beat the way he is used to beating things.  he can't sue the virus, he can't tweet mean things, he can't work up a rally of support.  he must be missing those rallies. i don't think he's had any...can you imagine? i'm sure he would still get his cult like followers to show up in droves...but there would no doubt be a round of covid positives post this. 

 he is no match for covid. he's trying to act like he has it all under control, but you can't control a virus.  he keeps trying to toss all the responsibility back on the governors and the individual states, but ultimately, it will reflect on him and his administration. he destroyed the task force that was created to deal with this exact thing....a pandemic.  the Obama administration set up a plan and his administration hated all things Obama so they just tossed it aside and the people who created it and were experts.  they refused to listen to anything during the transition or read anything that was given to them to help them out....and they were given more than any other administration probably was...but their ego and arrogance are now their downfall.

 they are still stubbornly clinging to their power despite the death and mayhem around them.

 New York has gone to using one ventilator for multiple patients because they don't have any other choice.

 one urban area after another will fall prey to the virus.  each community will be overwhelmed by it.  they will put a band-aid on the gushing river of blood.  we are generally at capacity in hospitals at baseline...add on one major virus threat.  we still don't know how to deal with it.

 new york has had more ems calls than they did on Sept 11.

 there really is not way to escape the virus at this point. 

 no doubt that is why my anxiety as well as many others across the globe spiraled out of control this morning.  i may need another dose of xanax before this deal is over. i know that when the time comes, if i am in the ICU, i will just go into work mode and deal with what is there...there will be time to release the stress later.

 in those crisis situations i find that while i am calm in the emergency there is often a time down the road that my body releases the stress.  i remember with the bear about a week later, i had a day where i just couldn't stop crying.  i had no reason to cry.  i didn't actually feel upset or anything really....but my body was just releasing that stress.

 i actually had to call out sick because i literally could not control the tears.  it was ridiculous. 

 it was several days after the "crash" landing that i had waves of panic.

 today was anticipatory panic.  in a way it would be easier to just get this virus and be done with it...i'd be more open to that if i knew how my body would react to it. but none of us really do.  some folks are totally asymptomatic, others have mild symptoms, others have more serious symptoms, some need hospitalization and still others die.  that is the anxiety of it....the not knowing.

 i had influenza A a few years back.  it was pretty miserable but it still felt like a bit of a known entity.  and yes, folks die from that but generally you know who is most vulnerable.....with this.  it can be random. some fairly young and healthy folks end up dying. 

 so i am on call and hoping that tomorrow i will be back to my normal state of anxiety over this without the panic.  it's a constant stress for us all.  made worse by the fact that this administration totally and absolutely sucks and that our hospitals cannot promise us the gear we need to be as safe as possible.

thankful for A.  that little bottle with a few pills of xanax... B. an on call night C.  comfort shows and pets to keep me focused on something else D. fresh air and dog walks.