another year older...

 not sure if i'm wiser but i am more pissed for sure.  what is wrong with people? another black man was killed by officers.  video looks terrible. i'm sure the excuses will fly, hell they already are.  questionable sites will float conspiracy theories and trash this man.  he is unable to defend himself now because even after he stopped moving the officers remained on top of him bearing down.

 things are different for different people in this nation...our current administration doesn't help...no comfort there really. 

 there is white privilege....it can be tough to see when you are white.  most just enjoy the perks of being white without thinking about what the world is like for others. we all have racism inside of us. those who completely deny it have generally just looked the other way for so long they can't see it anymore.  it's just something we all  need to be aware of and push back.  those little stereotypes we have about each other. it's just that whites have the power to back their views and the others really don't. we have the history and the power that mean we can get away with bad behavior. others do not. the history is bad...just take a look.  much of it is lost because history is written by whites,  so the ugly stuff tends to get left out. that is privilege as well.  having control over the history.  altering it...there is a segment that is still pissed they lost the civil war i guess.

 i was taught as a child in Sunday School "white and delightsome" that the blacks were black because God made them black due to sins of their fathers...which even as a child seemed ludicrous and unfair. i was also baffled when the church turned around and accepted blacks as priesthood members and they weren't going to become white and lose the mark of sins of their forefathers.

 for as closed minded as i've been called, i have completely turned from pretty much everything i was taught. i left the church, my social and political views have drastically changed. i'm not the one who was closed minded...how else could i have possibly changed my mind on so many things if i was.  it makes no sense. easier to lash out at me than to look at the crazy crap we were taught and ask a few questions. 

 i have come to find that some need answers and they need them to make sense and others are much better at relying on a thing called faith.  i think faith without logic falls short though. if enough makes no sense then you  need to ask more questions. the standard to that was always, there are things we can't understand in our mortal state but will be made clear after we die.  i just didn't want to take the chance of wasting my life following one path that seemed illogical to me.

 i know officers and i know there are always two sides, but this crap happens over and over and there is video on this from several angles. one wonders if these officers would do this with cameras on them in day light, what will they do when there are no cameras.  i know the adrenaline kicks in and it's easy to get hyped up when others are hyped up.  i've seen our security guards with patients even who are flipping on drugs or just literally bat crap crazy. you can see them amping up.  there needs to be a calm head in there to help pull folks back from the brink.  to prevent them from allowing their adrenaline to get the best of them.  in this case it looks like the adrenaline won, there was no voice of reason. 

 it seems to happen far too often, especially when it's someone of color. far too many of these incidences and i can hear all the excuses i've heard over and over when these things happen.  just like all the excuses every time there is a mass shooting.  some folks will never concede....so the rest of society has to get louder until their excuses are finally drowned out.  until a more rational, kind and decent society re-emerges.  we are better than this.  we should want to be better than this.

 moreover, i would think all the really decent, hard working officers would really want to make sure the officers who can't control themselves or just do stupid shit would be weeded out so that they can do their jobs with the respect and dignity and support of society.

 of course, i would think that officers would want some semblance of gun control so that they aren't facing these weapons on the street...

 so what do i know.  i do know there are too many of these incidences and they are pushed aside too often and too quickly.  i'm all for giving officers the benefit of the doubt to a degree, it's a tough job but society has limits to what it will take from officers.  there are boundaries.  he hadn't just robbed a bank and taken hostages, he'd forged checks...

 sadly, its money in our society. you have enough you will get better treatment in the system and less time for the same crimes.  today it occurred to me that trump may just pardon these officers before he leaves office anyway...

 worked all my shifts again this week.  just two left, PCU and then ICU. place is getting back to normal busy. we had 13 covid positives yesterday i think it was today was back to 5. hoping it's just a fluke. there won't be as many tourists but i know as the planes start to take off they will come and now the Governor is not re-upping the 14 day quarantine, he's getting his GOP brain back.  thankfully, he seemed to listen to reason and science at the start of this. 

 i did the dog park a few days.  yesterday included.  just easy and i was actually pretty tired after all those nights yesterday. 

 Birthdays in the time of covid are pretty chill i think. i had low expectations, which is the best way to live life anyway.  several calls with family and friends. so that was nice. facetime with some CA friends that went into the late evening.

 today i walked with my friend LS.  always great.  we did the Campbell Airstrip.  later i did a loop around the Baxter Bog by my house...sans dogs. there is another mama moose defending her young in there.  lots of signs out so she must have gotten pretty close to taking someone out this time.  i've been chased by the Bog mom a few times.  she doesn't take any chances.  she will hunt you down. 

 may be some private cars having access to Denali Park road.  the buses are taking a year off i guess or part of the year? sounds like they are making some changes for this year anyway.  could be fun .

 we are now at over 100,000 deaths.  not like the flu...aside from a much steeper curve here.  these deaths have happened over a few months not an entire season.  flu has a vaccine and it also has a set of symptoms that are fairly reliable as well as testing that is reliable and a treatment plan that is reliable.  it's predictably unpredictable.  Covid is just unpredictable. the tests are unreliable and the treatment plan is being created on the fly.  not to mention....Covid appears to transmit even when symptoms aren't evident...so not the same.  my head wants to explode every time someone says that crap.

 many of our AK tourism jobs tend to be filled by folks who come from out of state.  the cruise lines are out, at least for the first half of the summer.  i doubt they can get up too much for even the latter half. would be tough to staff the hotels/buses and all that in short time for a brief season.

 there is a young gray whale up Turnigan Arm..or there was the other day. not sure if the little guy made it out.  he was all the way up to twentymile river. not looking good for the whale.  separated from it's mom and all. big tide on June 2....they are hoping he gets out, but we did have two dead whales in there last year. 

 it's a rough world out there for animals.

 protesters in Minneapolis  and things got violent.  often in these situations, others, not related to the protesters stir up other trouble.  there were folks dressed in black with gas masks who were seen breaking windows and starting fires.  looting happened. people will take advantage of the mayhem and may others just are pissed off.  my one brother pointed out that the Boston Tea Party included some illegal activity.  that sometimes people try to get their point across so many different times and ways, eventually breaking the law feels like the only way to be heard.

 sadly, when it's whites that break the law...like storming state houses with high powered weapons...they are given space, given a pass and called "nice people" by the current iitoo.  if they are black they are called thugs and told that shooting will follow looting...an old 60's quote.  i'm not sure trump would have known the reference that he used in his tweet, but i have no doubt those around him did..i suspect Stephen Miller helped forge that particular tweet. 

 trump is pissed because there was a notice by twitter that his post encouraged violence i think it was. he came out with an executive order threatening twitter after they fact checked him.  he also stated today that he's pulling the US out of WHO...in the middle of a pandemic.  what an idiot.  i do not believe he can do that on his own...

 i really feel badly for anyone who follows him.  the GOP with this idiot have made mincemeat of our government in short order.  those rule of law folks have flouted the rules and the laws. 

 on good news many have opted to adopt pets during this time home.  i wasn't the only one.  my little kitten has worked out perfectly so far.  i am quite in love with little Covid Cat.  i wonder how many have Covid related names. i suspect i'm not alone in that either.

 a selfie with Covid Cat

 mosquitoes were out in force today.  thankfully, LS was prepared. i wasn't!! she shared.  they still got a few bites in. 

 i head to Homer again for a few days this week. 

 always miss these kitties but they should be fine for a few days. 

 these two will accompany me there for some needed beach time.  :-)

 Covi Kitten doing some pole dancing.

 did a crock pot roast yesterday for the Birthday meal. 

 had debated a drive but i was actually kind of sleepy so i just came home for a short nap.

 they are offering testing at the airports, especially for out of state workers, which seems like a good option.

 so the native hospital has the drive up testing place by the dog park and it looks pretty sweet.  they have even added an actual building...like a drive through coffee place.  today i drove past the prov drive through testing site.  not much there. a place for cover that is smaller than an outhouse. 

 the rest are still from my last trek down to Homer.  hoping to hit a few different areas maybe....see if i can find the tidepools. :-)

 while we were hitting 100,000 deaths...trump was out golfing.  he has had very little to say as far as making any attempts at consoling those who have lost folks.  if asked he just gets defensive.

 the pool is open at the YMCA for lap swimming only, which sounds perfect to me!!

 i have yet to see any of these baby moose that have been dropping all over the place.  just the signs saying the mama moose are pissed off

 hopefully, there are still lots of stars out there.

 i think i will have rain to contend with, but that is okay.

 the old boats are always a favorite.  the same places always look different...especially up here as things change so quickly.

 looks like another big ice berg dropped off of the Portage Glacier. i'm debating a hike in Hatchers Pass tomorrow...but the Portage Pass could be good too...depends on the weather in the morning i think.

 trump has been telling his cult followers that "the radical left is in total command and control of facebook, instagram, twitter and google"  and that hes working hard to fix this....so crazy but so many believe all the crap he says...the other faithful on the right just ignore all he says and tweets.  they instead only care about what he does...instilling judges, being tough on immigrants, getting rid of any environmental oversight regulations...

 need to check on Covi.  he's stayed in yard as far as i know.  whenever i check on him, that is where he is.  i think he likes it here.  hope he does. 

 a few more ships, these are not on the spit..

 guess i shall get off this computer and see what is in the package from China i got today.  more masks?  not sure

thankful for A.  days off B. new plants, thanks TO.  my garden is looking up C.  family and friends calls, texts, cards and fb birthday greetings.  :-) 

back to work.....feeling older!!

 the break was great mentally and physically but the ICU is back in full swing.  i worked the last 4 nights there. it's rare i work the same place two nights in a row, let alone 4.  loved this above of the two kitties.  it was right after i came home.

 our state positives for Covid have been 5 or less for some time now.  hoping that holds but we shall see if and when tourism starts up again.  in the meantime, the low numbers have brought me improved anxiety.  meaning much less anxiety, which is great.

 have had some heartburn off and on which reminds me of a time i had gastritis, so makes me wonder if the added stress didn't get to me that way...of course, the downside to working ICU and ER is that you see all the possible ways one can die or come close to dying and you find yourself imagining the worse. could drop dead at work or get on a coughing jag and rupture my esophagus. there are many ways for your body to go and in my work i feel like i have run in to a fair share of them.

 it's a strange combination of being overly paranoid but also probably being less apt to act on things because nothing feels bad enough to act on when you see the worst of everything...like when people whine because they have a little cold bug and you are thinking of the horrible things you witnessed at work the week before.

 did take some time last week to hit the garden shop and plant the planters in the back yard. it always brightens up the deck to have flowers and the hope of some veggies though my green thumb seemed to leave me when i left California.  growing things was just so much easier there than anywhere else. hoping Covi Kitty doesn't use the planters as litter boxes.

 his one collar has been missing, part of what prompted me last week to be concerned about him leaving the yard and wanting to put up more cat proofing.  as i took the garbage out Sunday night before work there was his collar on the ground, in the front yard.  hmm...did he get it caught on the fence as he went over? it is one of those quick release.  i'm hoping the adventure scared him enough that he realizes the back yard is enough of an outdoor adventure for him.  i have treats by the back door and i try to call him in and give him treats for coming inside.

 he actually has seemed to be more content in the yard with us this week.  we've had some scattered rain since i planted these, which is perfect.

 always love all the plants and flowers in the shops this time of year.  we do not have a long growing season but Alaskans sure seem to appreciate flowers and making the place happy for the time we have.  plus, though it's a short season, we do have super long days.  i mean you can literally watch crap grow. it's crazy how fast stuff grows up here...

 the cats have been enjoying each others company more i think.  it's a pretty chill fur family at this point. it's been a smooth transition with the new kitten.  he's gonna be big.

 bags of ppe on the shelf.  nobody really knows if the place has ppe but wants us to conserve in case we do get a surge or if we just still have a very limited supply.  we are at nearly 100,000 deaths in the US, only 10 here though. it's not like the flu!

 it's amazing to hear the same folks use the same lines, but then that was what it was like being Mormon to me. i'm still amazed that after all these years there are not better answers to the questions i had as a youth. i would have thought the answers to the questions i had then would become more sophisticated as i got older but they never did.  it's the same trite responses. 

 so it's the same with the right, they just return to the same stuff.  there is just no way to have a discussion which is sad.  so the flu is not the same as Covid....why?  first off, no vaccine, second, flu you lose 20,000-60,000 a year but spread over 7-9 months...with Covid we've lost 100,000 nearly in a few short months.  with the flu we have a general idea of what we are looking at and how we can treat it. also with the flu there isn't this asymptomatic spread.  those who are passing it along are sick.  we could for sure do a better job of preventing the spread of even flu but we have never been that forward thinking here.  other places masks are more the normal.  who knew we were such an inconsiderate society.  perhaps, the bulk will change our ways out there and perhaps even decrease the spread of the known stuff.  the sunrise above was out my patients window the other morning.

 this little outdoor cat hut arrived so i put it together the other day. figure if he got caught outside one night he'd have a place to hide out.also makes a nice little table i guess.

 it was easy to put together.  no swear words, that is how i mark how easy/hard something is.  how much i have to swear doing it

 i haven't taken care of any + covid patients that i know of. i have done several tests, that i have no idea what the outcome of was.  i have debated doing extra at the testing sites.  sounds like a fairly good gig really. they will be needing staff over the next several months for sure i suspect.  folks get tested before electives and i think dental procedures as well in some places.

 lots of tennis ball time between shifts for the dogs.  some dog park action. 

 getting back to real work again and working 4 nights is a transition. i just have tonight off and then i head back for two more...then i have a stretch off. already booked time in Homer. at least i think i did.  yep...there it is.  May 31st!!  another little trek to Homer.  my little Birthday trip.  the dogs will enjoy that as well. probably just lots of little treks around Alaska this summer.  enjoy the place sans tourists i guess.

 this was at the dog park yesterday but i never saw the moose. it's been a few days so she may have moved on a bit. there was a moose several years back that raised her two calves there for several weeks.  i guess she figured the dogs would decrease the bear activity, which was probably true and she could fend off the dogs. dogs are annoying but i've never heard of one hurting a calf or a moose for that matter.

 fun to be back with my co-workers in ICU.  Docs noticed  i hadn't been there for a bit.  first night two vents.  that is the usual.  with covid some places had triple or more that.  icu is fairly nuanced...you are watching for subtle changes and acting on them. i don't see this being easy if you have 7+ patients, even with help...thus more folks no doubt died due to surges and the inability to fully care for that number of patients.  the whole point of all the curve flattening was to try to avoid the surges, like New York and Italy got...so did Washington State to a lesser level.

 with a big surge more staff get exposed and sick and thus making the situation worse as you are having over capacity patients with even less staff to cope with it. i was very impressed by those who volunteered to work in surge areas through this at risk to their own health. i know one nurse took a leave from here to go work in New York i believe.  i also heard another nurse was given an assignment with covid + patients and opted to quit rather than work up here.  there was a lot of anxiety for many out there. 

 i know when i've had super ill patients i have gotten anxious taking report.  you just wade in and start with what you know.  eventually, you are involved in the care and you just do what needs to be done.  i've taken care of some incredibly sick folks.  i think i'm pretty good at what i do. i don't think i'm the most book smart but i manage time well and have really good instincts and now a lot of experience. those things come in handy.

 still, this new virus through us all for a bit of a loop.  there is always the possibility of new viruses out there, this one...well so much we still don't know and so many get so sick.  it's not just old folks, another false thing that gets tossed around about this.  many younger people are getting very ill.  if only we knew in advance how we would personally respond to it. at least with influenza we have a general idea.  when i got influenza A, i wasn't scared it would kill me despite feeling like crap for weeks really. i had fevers off and on for several days....like 3-4, with Covid, folks often have fevers off and on for over a week to nearly 2 weeks.

 so it isn't the same folks. 

 odd thinking this week...the shower topics that go through my brain...this week one was, do souls have gender? i tend to not believe gender would carry through in the next life if it exists. i suspect its easier to think of souls as being fairly similar to what is known to us.  to me if the soul exists it's much more fluid with bodies.  when do souls enter bodies or leave bodies?

 does a fetus have a soul or does a soul enter as the first breath is taken? is time on earth a one time opportunity for a soul or does it take the next body available? those questions get into the whole abortion issues i think. what you believe can strongly impact your views on those things. 

 i don't think souls have gender...why would being male or female matter in a soul? i suspect it just gets into the whole male/female gender issues on earth.  power and control....and how those things are used by some in religion.

 some are comforted believing one thing others are comforted believing another.  loss is loss and you have to find a way to cope with the losses of this life experience.  whatever brings you peace really. the answers are not known entities, only hopes, guesses and beliefs. 

 fresh sheet night.  always a favorite.  :-)  laundry, dishes. i did get a few things done today.  i've been a bit of a slacker. need to get the dogs out for more interesting hikes.  the knee hasn't been 100% and then there are those bears to worry about.  can't let that totally stop me from getting out there though.

 do enjoy home time with the added feline.  he really does have some personality.

 this is up in ICU.

 the rest are from the last trek down to Homer.  Ivy is mostly unaware of the sea stars in her quest to have the tennis ball thrown

 hopefully there are still stars there and the tides work out decent for us.

 it's the simple things in life that bring happiness and joy for me. it's too easy to have higher and higher expectations, but expectations just lead to disappointments. 

 better to just be happy with what you have been given in this life and for all the beauty that exists

 things don't always go according to the plan...so the plans must be altered. 

 many can't do that.  they imagine their life and when it doesn't go the way they imagined they get angry and resentful and jealousy can be a tough one

 i have flaws and limitations.  i have no idea how to alter some aspects of who i am.  it's just who i am.  outspoken, independent, opinionated.  i'm aware that i am not everyone's cup of tea...i'm not the popular type.  overall, i think i am respected and co-workers seem to enjoy working with me.  that has never translated into being popular.  i don't know how some do it.  how they are able to make people flock to them, desire to be around them, invite them and welcome them. i find i just don't have whatever that is...a charm perhaps? some just make socializing look so easy. i feel like i have to work at it.  there are times i have worked really hard.  i put out effort and do the calls and invites but it's just not natural and ultimately it doesn't have the effect i think it will...or it's just that others have a more natural ability to socialize and be social.

 some have charisma i guess, people are naturally drawn to them.  i repel some i think. mostly i just exist in some vacuum. liked but easily forgotten perhaps. i'm not good at the small talk, preferring to get into deeper conversations. i feel like i am an acquired taste and most do not bother getting beyond the surface of much in this life.  part of the whole instant gratification.  instant need for entertainment.

 i have no idea. i wish i knew sometimes how to be popular, how to have a charisma that draws others to want to be around me. 

 having said that, the introvert in me no doubt pulls me away from others.  my need to be in silence some days.  the grass always does look greener.  we often want what we are not but we can only be who we are, no matter how appealing it looks to be someone other than self.

 being alone is overall a fine thing but there are those times, those moments when you wish you were center stage in some other humans life. 

 i am center stage in no ones life.  i am always just an extra in others lives. 

 everyone can't be center stage all the time, but it would be great to feel like a leading roll in someone's life and have them have a leading roll in yours...

 i am only that for the dogs and cats in my life....otherwise i exist as an extra, an also ran. forever in the background....never in center stage.  i doubt i'd know what to do in center stage at this point. 

 i better check on the critters, toss the tennis ball a few more times and shut it down for the night. perhaps watch a movie or something as drift off.

 enjoyed these humpbacks when i was last down in Homer.  wonder about a boat trip over to Seldovia for a day...hmm.  perhaps another trip.  have only been there once.  gotta be some hikes around there.

 below the tennis ball with a whale in the background. 

 off to  pay bills then crash for the night.  two more nights to go. 

thankful for A.  surviving this covid thing intact so far.  B. the company of critters.  i am center stage to them always C. pretty flowers