with over 20 years in this amazing place. it's never dull. i hope to enjoy years of exploration here.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
the "girl" gene....
thought i'd toss in some pictures from nome, the last day, while i pondered my seemingly lack of a "girl" gene.
i am female, i have all the right parts, they are capable of all the moves. it's the brain that seems to lack that girl thing. it's like there was a class and i was out on the beach for it or on a mountain top. i missed a whole section of training in life on the art of girlness.
the games you are supposed to play, the looks you are supposed to pull together. i have no idea. i make weak attempts, but in the end i'm just who i am and if people don't work to see me, i blend in. it's not that i don't think i'm worthy of being seen, i just don't know how to be seen. when i am seen, it feels uncomfortable, frightening even at times.
it holds me back for sure. if you aren't seen you get left behind.
i say what i am thinking pretty soon after i think it. if i like you, you will know it. if i don't you will also know. life seems to come with a pile of games that you are supposed to play. things you don't say in order to get a message across. tricks you are supposed to play in order to capture that attention. i have no game, no tricks up my sleeve.
it's probably why i do best with the animal kingdom. perhaps i'm just not evolved. animals just are. there are no games. they see prey, they attack it. hungry,they eat, tired they sleep.
independence is good, but there are always those days, when you yearn for something more, different. the feeling generally passes. for today though, i feel sorrow for that lacking inside of me. for being clueless how to be seen, how to get the message across that i want to be seen.
back to work tonight. will probably be good to be mixed with the other humans. sometimes it's probably just not good when i've had a week like this where i've been by myself. really no social interaction for my days off. girl can't live by dog alone. i need humans. i need to talk and be heard.
nobody is listening.
should go try to nap again. no success so far today. woke up early as i had an appointment to get my windshield changed out. it was time. a big rock hit it on the road to homer. happy that rock hit before i changed it out rather than right after. most cars up here have cracks and chips in their windshields.
the musk ox were on the beach. the weather in nome was so nice, everyone was flocking to the beaches.
today is cloudy. i'm actually pretty happy for the change. it's supposed to rain a bit this weekend. perfect sleeping weather. i walked the dogs while they worked on the car.
took the dogs to cuddy park. it's close to the window place. we wandered around there for a bit, sat, blossom chased her toy. it was cloudy and cool.
there is one domestic white duck there. i'm wondering if it was caught last fall and re-released back with it's friends in the spring. that or someone dumped another domestic duck out there. there were a few in the city last fall.
doubt the thing survived the winter out there.
so not too much of a pity party. i just wonder sometimes why i always feel so different from all the others out there. everyone else seems to make life look so much easier. i'm like the spotted duck in a sea of swans.
it's rough moving when you are a musk ox on sand.
maybe one day awkward will be the new sexy. haha. until then, i will just have to be who i am and accept myself and my quirks that make me blend in rather than stand out. maybe one day i'll walk in front of a strange new wall and i will finally be seen. i won't be able to hide inside anymore.
i just want to be touched, held, told nice things. those things can't happen if you can't be seen, if you can't let others come through the veil you have put out there.
i loved that story about the scarecrow in the movie, "the doctor". they were talking about how you keep your arms out for years holding people back and when the time comes that you want and need people to come in, you have forgotten how to let your arms down and let people in. i just need to allow myself to be vulnerable, let my arms down and let people come to me. trust isn't as easy as all that though.
you never know when there is a lion or tiger or bear lurking and ready to pounce and kill.
have lived in alaska since 1995, lived in ketchikan for 6 years and here in anchorage since 2001. it's a wonderful place and i enjoy getting out nearly daily for a walk/hike/stroll or ramble. enjoy the pics