Monday, November 17, 2014

some days i feel like an after thought....

 like i'm invisible. at some point in life i became somewhat invisible.  surrounded by people who are with other people, talking to other people, laughing with other people.  i think sometimes that i am the person that people think of 2 hours into a party or a drive and say, "did anyone ask Betsy to join us?" and then nobody has and the conversation changes and moves on.
 the thing is, if i didn't reach out to others its a  pretty sure bet i'd rarely speak to anyone or do anything with the other humans. i work, but those interactions are about the others.  their needs, their pain, their problems.  i have felt of late a desire to be heard, to have someone's attention for just a few minutes before they turn the conversation back to themselves and i'm expected to once again listen.
i feel like i try to interact with the other humans. i talk and talk, i can start conversations with just about anyone i run across, but it's just chatter and then it's over.
 thank God for the animals.  i probably would have slashed my wrists if not for the animals.  they listen with rapt attention.  i'm pretty sure they have no idea the meaning of my words though.
 really, it's dark and it's not affects you, plays tricks with your brain.  it's easy to get a bout of melancholy this time of year. hoping it snows soon.  then my brain will return to a balanced state.  i will still be one of the untouchables in life, but i will be better able to cope with it.
 watched my netflix movie, "Mozarts Sister" i think it was.  Mozart had a sister.  she was apparently very talented musically, but these weren't options given to females in those days.  she was prevented from following her passion and her abilities.  she'd helped her brother with his early works.
after the movie i added some classical music to my ipad and listened as i fell asleep.
 no decent pictures of these guys, they were high up and moving fast!! i quite enjoyed watching them as they booked back and forth across these rocks.  seemed like something was chasing them but i saw nothing. pretty amazing what they can do up there.
 then back to Potters marsh for another kicksled run.  to some i suppose it would seem boring.  some people are forever looking to top themselves.  i'm sure this happens everywhere but i see it and find it frustrating this incessant competition that life has become.  perhaps it's a result of us having too many choices.  the next step to having too many choices maybe is being able to lord your good choices over others. flaunt it.  this is done media has become the place to show your best or your most cool side.  you not only have to top the other humans you have to constantly top yourself.
 if you can't compete at all then the new competition can become most pathetic life...those who are constantly posting their saddest crap, no matter how trivial it is.  woe is me, pity me, feel badly for me.  i try not to post those...though i'm sure todays post sounds like i'm looking for attention. in my mind i'm just telling the truth. i am the social equivalent of an untouchable.  it's my own fault really.  i'm awkward in social situations, my self esteem isn't grand enough to carry it all off. i'm simply not a person that brings people in and makes them want to hang with me.  i'm serious, i'm realistic, i have far too many opinions and i'm not the best at small talk.  i probably have a lower tolerance for many of the other humans out there.  i get annoyed and i'm overly sensitive.
 so i have flaws.
 everyone has why is it that i see other people surrounded by humans despite their flaws?  maybe my flaws are just more catastrophic?   i knew this was true even at a young age.  i remember watching "Rudolph" as a kid...when they went to the land of the misfits, i knew even then, that i was a misfit, that i didn't fit in.
 another face in the ice bubbles and below an artists easel.
 the kicksled goes well with my sore knee. for some reason it doesn't really bother my knee much.  swam a bit today and that is a bit bothersome still.  hoping to know more in  the next few days.  that hasn't helped my current melancholy.  i like to be active and active is what keeps my brain balanced.  if i can't be as active as i desire i get all unbalanced.
 WARIS is now licensed and can sell things!!  also got a lovely note from some past visitors from North Carolina.  super nice note and i really needed that boost today!!  they'd gotten our letter from the mailing and sent not just a kind note but a donation as well. i love people again!! the mailing was worth it for those few people who did respond.  if i were them i'd want to know too.
 there were loads of folks out enjoying the ice at Potters this evening.  not the sunset of previous days but fun seeing so many out there. brought Rio but left her in the car.  she had a bad gut day.  i woke up hearing her stomach growling and she skipped breakfast.  seemed to be feeling herself by the evening.  poor girl.  Blossom got out on the ice again and we had a great time.  some 2 year old took a liking to Blossom and gave her lots of attention.  every time the mother tried to get the little one to leave Blossom she started to cry and carry on.
 as you can see, despite the clouds it was beautiful out there.
 me with my girl....not sure she was ready for the shot, but i think it's still kind of cute.
thankful for...a.  the friends and family that i do have, i know i shouldn't complain, you all can be great and i don't regret a single one of you being in my life. the truth is i do occasionally get lonely for a best friend or a partner in life.  it's just not the same and can't be.  b,  the kind note, any word of encouragement is greatly appreciated with this WARIS stuff.  c.  those they were really booking up there and amazingly sure footed.  i should have flipped it to video.  it was crazy cool.


  1. It doesn't read as a complaint. It reads as your honest emotions. Between weather, cold, WARIS challenges and an injury, I can see why you feel down.