don't speak...

 this is the irritated neighborhood cat that dared hang out on our fence.  the puppies went nuts.  some training was needed to get them to settle down.  turns out it's not the cat from right next door as that neighbor chatted with me over the fence after hearing all the ruckus this cat brought from both of our dogs.

 eventually, the cat moved along and life settled back in.  the fence looks nice though. 

 there are some blue skies out there but it still feels chilly.  always hoping that by the afternoon i can open another can of paint and make more headway on the fence project.

 i had some time to kill so since i couldn't paint i figured I'd write a bit.  clear my head.

 i can help people medically pretty easily but over time i have learned that with the emotional stuff, truth is not always helpful. people don't hear it anyway.  it only pisses them off.  we often can't see ourselves for who we really are.  we have flaws, we all do.  for some of us those flaws get in our own way, but if you can't see how you get in your own way, my telling you won't clear the vision. 

 sometimes people just need to have you listen. 

 i can listen, but i will admit, i will run out of patience.  at this stage in life I've listened to others and attempted to help them see their truth, but they didn't want to.  so all those hours of "help" really were not helpful at all.  you can ask 50 people their opinion about something, but if you never want to know the truth you will never hear the truth. 

 i see that at work, i have heard others be annoyed as well. the nurse who comes and asks your opinion about cares and then immediately ignores what you say and moves on to the next person and the next person with the same questions.  perhaps hoping to hear a more clear response that fits their preconception. 

 these are from Homer in March.

 actually from the return trip i guess. 

 years ago, in Ketchikan, there was a nurse who was really just being mean to me.  nothing i did was right.  it was stressful and it made me question who i was...was i this "bitch" she described me as. 

 one day i went for a walk with a friend. it wasn't someone i walked with often or knew well, but i told her about what was happening and she had some kind and encouraging words for me...

 at one point i remember her saying...in life if you find one person calling you a bitch while the bulk of the people you interact with find you not to be, but instead to be nice and kind and fun...you probably can assume that the person calling you a bitch is a bitch.  she said then, that if any point in your life you find that pretty much all the people you know are calling you a bitch and only one or two people will refute that...you may want to look in your soul, you may want to re-evaluate who you are and how you are behaving and make some changes.  she then assured me that i was not in the second category and i had nothing to worry about. 

 nobody can look in your heart and see things from your view.  if you find yourself blaming others constantly for the state of your current existence, well again, you may want to question who is really to blame...sure everyone always has some blame, but we are rarely without fault in life.  we are often equally to blame...even if that means in our silence. 

 if you just put up with the status quo and never speak of your frustration or pain you can't expect others to see it and change. if you take up the role of doormat and allow people to trample over you without once complaining,  you have to take some of the responsibility.

 these, i have perhaps put in before. i cant' remember.  super cute though . taken the week of their second Birthday.  their official photo shoot.

 Ivy always looks like the happy kid in grammar school, so willing and eager to please.

 hit North Biv yesterday.  the blue skies came out for a bit, which was great.  like today so far, it never warmed up enough for painting.

 met with friends to see a movie.  it was a light hearted comedy...always needed.  "i feel pretty".  it actually had a good message as well.  so often we feel so inadequate and that can lead to actions of appearing inadequate on our parts.  all we need to do is flip that switch and be confident, accept ourselves and oddly, we will find that others do as well. 

 be yourself, it's usually enough.

 you can't spend too much of your time ruminating about how others see you, or perceive you.  that only leads you to hesitate.

 i find that lesson true on the trails.  after my knee surgery. i was hesitating a lot

 that hesitation usually actually put me at greater risk.  i was stiff and tight when i needed to be loose and free.  i fell more because of it. 

 more recently i feel myself letting go of those concerns.  having confidence in my ability to move and stay balanced. 

 these are snow cairns.  still annoyed that people chose to crap on cairns.  saying they somehow are harmful and that somehow if you build them it's because you feel some need to prove you were there.  i actually think they are just an interesting focal point for the camera to highlight the scenery. 

 oddly, one of the folks who was trash talking cairns is fine as long as she builds them, because she feels hers are used as trail markers for herself so it's okay.  in truth trail marker cairns tend to be more large and permanent.  it also occurs to me that people who feel that sense of entitlement are the ones who would believe that only their cairns are acceptable.  sorry...it's true.

 it's a headache day.  it had gone away for a bit, but has returned.  probably just too much thinking.

 that is pretty...right?

 my sweet pups are growing up.  love these guys.

 the ever expanding to do list grows on.  did take care of dishes and bills...but the outdoors is calling me so i suspect the to do list will be pushed off for another day yet again.

 i woke up way too early today.  that is no doubt half of the reason for my headache...too much ruminating.

 you want to help people but you know you really can't...in life we have to work through our own issues some times.  i can listen though, i know.  it's hard to see people you care about in pain. it's hard to watch them try to work their way through.

 it's also hard to know when to speak, what to say.  how much to hold back...

 hair appointment is scheduled, i need to schedule another massage.  knots are building.

 i  made at least 4-5 of these snow cairns this day.  not sure how long they lasted, long enough for the photo. perhaps someone came behind me and knocked them over.  maybe someone who can't stand cairns...haha.  like if that is the worst thing, the most stressful thing in your life you are doing well. 

 this one was my favorite. I'd figured out i could make a design with the snow for the topper.  the heart worked out perfect!!

 how cool is that!  this beach is now a big boggy mess i suspect.  won't be there until it freezes again next winter.

 the winter trails in N. Biv are also boggy.  the pups ran through the water chasing the tennis ball. there was a layer of ice on top from the freeze last night.

 these guys are getting to be better posers.  so i got these cute pics of them

 love these pups.  i have been pretty lucky with a series of great dog companions.

 looking back at my cairns...proof that i was there....haha.  just kidding. 

 gotta put love out to get love back.  expectations are a love killer i think too.

 maybe i can lay down for a half hour before i head out to meet friends for a walk.

 smooshy face cuties..

 break up is the time to say good bye to winter. always bittersweet.  i actually really enjoy winter.  i know that makes me a freak.  the darkness in November I'm less thrilled with but winter.  love it.

grateful for: A.  friends B. the person i have become.  I'm not perfect but I'm doing alright.  C.  naps