Wednesday, February 29, 2012

blue skies were back for a few hours...

not too much fresh snow last night, but enough for us to get out and test out my new snowshoes. they worked like a charm. we did about 4 miles. not too deep so not too rough. beautiful out there with that fresh coat of snow though. amy joined me as well. got my massage this afternoon. always a good thing. after that i met my friend sharon for dinner. she is recovering from shoulder surgery. looks painful. she isn't one to complain and she is tough as nails so when she complains it must really hurt. i'm watching a movie called, "frozen river". just finished. people in desperate situation that are just trying to keep afloat. can't imagine living such a desperate life and having others dependant on you. much of it starts with bad choices. people meet and sometimes they actually become friends against all odds and help each other. in that it's a good lesson. they break laws, eventually they get caught, they pay for thier crimes and find the light. it's not like they were asking for the moon, but even a small ray of sunshine can just be too difficult to obtain.i enjoy an independent flick. they aren't bound by the spend major bucks to make major bucks by appealing to a relatively small population rules. characters can sometimes be developed more fully. guess it's hope that even people doing bad things can be decent people in thier own way. it's easy to just judge. there are alot of selfish people out there, but a few are just trying to feed thier family. above blossom is amy and linda. we ran into linda out on the trails. she had decided to snowshoe as well. was just such a beautiful day out there. rio joined today as well. i probably wouldn't have gone that far today, but it was just so dang pretty and warm. who wants to stay inside in that weather. my mini cuisanart died after all these years so i bought i new small one again. does come in handy. tested it out with some old apples. when you live alone and in alaska fresh fruit doesn't last too long. i chopped em up and tossed them outside for the birds and my pet squirrel. we'll see if they go for them. sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. last time i put them too close to the deck and i think that made the creatures nervous. this time i tossed em behind the shed. i know it's been a rough year for all the creatures up here being how much snow we've gotten. they surmise that this may be one reason the owls have kinda congregated. apparently, the big owls don't usually chill near the small owls and vice versa. guess they can hear little voles move under the snow, but with the snow so deep it may be much harder. looks to be an abandoned nest above. looked pretty impressive though. too small to be an eagles nest. still, quite large really. some areas have put some feed stations up for the moose in an attempt to keep them clear of roads. lots of roadkill moose out there. a system is set up where groups sign up to harvest the meat. npr was interviewing one school out talkeetna way that is involved. the kids come in and harvest the moose. biology lesson. beats frogs i guess. muscles are bigger and easier to see. they were saying it was sad, but one of the 5 moose they were given to harvest was preggers. the biology teacher was contacted and he was pretty excited from an instructors perspective. so at least the moose are teaching and feeding. have taken care of many patients over the years who have been involved in car crashes involving moose. some pretty bad injuries and even deaths. the moose don't fare well either. they are tall though so usually the car clips thier legs and they land on the roof or windshield. it can happen really fast. i've had a few brushes with moose running across the road. not a good feeling. i drive like a little old lady. it'd be much safer if everyone else did though. i'm always amazed at how crazy people drive out there. no rondy activities for me today. kept busy enough with the dishes and laundry and playing in the snow of course. i know, my life is quite exciting. chatted with a friend back east. has been awhile so always great to catch up. she and her husband are dealing with his elderly mother who is ill and no longer can really care for herself at home. the tough part is that she doesn't believe she needs help. so many people out there are dealing with these issues. when you live far away it can be tough to gauge how bad things have gotten as the phone calls don't always reveal much. my brother jeff was always the best at flying out to check on my parents. he'd tell me about all the medications, so disorganized. he'd do what he could to try and organize and help, but i know my dad was one that wasn't always open to help. so independent and stubborn. i can say that as i know i have those same traits. a few years after my dad passed my mom married a wonderful man that she'd fallen in love with. they cared for each other. i think thier dates were mostly dr's appointments. at least that was what my mom said. it was a gift that my mom had someone who truely cared about her to help her live those last years of her life with dignity and happiness. more snow shaking. blossom didn't seem as loaded today. not sure what difference a day makes. perhaps she just wasn't rolled in the snow as much today.after my mom's passing my one brother and i had words. emotions run high after a death. my brother assumed it was about money, like i was greedy. for me, it so wasn't about the money. he just only seems capable of seeing things from the money angle and since there isn't any other angle, well that must be what it is.
after my dad's death i was helping look for papers in the house. my parents house was large and they were not true hoarders, but they had alot of crap and it was totally disorganized. my mom was going to have to sell the place so i was helping as much as i could before i headed back to alaska. i remember being in the sunroom with this brother and another sibling. the stuff was there, i suggested we give things to charity, my brother wondered what we could make off of this and that, and the other sibling was like i could use this or so and so could use this. i had heard that this same brother was not sure i should be invited to talk at my mothers funeral cause one never knows what i'll say. i have no idea what he thought i'd say at my mothers funeral that would be inappropriate. strange. guess it's good to have people wondering sometimes. my mothers widow was great in this moment as what i heard was that he stopped my brother and reminded him that i called my mom nearly every day. i was still in alaska when this whole conversation took place. guess it's proof that i would be the blacksheep of the family. i was close to my mom though despite our differences of opinion on things. we spoke pretty freely with each other. she had told me a few things that i had voiced my opinion to her about, not really knowing why she was telling me. after she passed and the tiff happened with my brother i came to believe that she had told me that stuff knowing that i wouldn't just sit back silently. i was insurance. tricky woman...tricky, but wise. people in general are strange during death. i remember being at the graveside service of my moms, it had ended and a friend from high school, whom i mostly exchange xmas cards with started to tell me about her marriage issues. i mean really, do i care about that. often you are in a fog at a funeral and some people just say such bizarre stuff. at my dads funeral these people came up and were telling me they were parents of this girl from church from when i was a young teenager. i honestly had no idea who they were talking about at the time. they just kept going on and on. it was so weird. they even pulled out a photo. i was just blank. another guy, a good buddy to my dad called the house and i felt badly for him as when he called he was all apologizing for not calling earlier with condolences as he had stopped attending church several years back. hopefully, it gave him peace to know that i had also stopped attending church several years back as well. the guy they got to speak was a big guy in the church that my dad had been in the bishopbric with years before. it wasn't like they hung out or played tennis together. he was big in the church though and most of the family was thrilled that someone so high up came out to speak. i would have preferred if one of his true friends would have spoken. his talk was very churchy and not much mention of my dad. in the end people are gone and you have your own memories of them and that is all that matters. stuff doesn't keep them in your heart, you do. i remember talking to my mom a few weeks before she passed and knowing that she would be gone soon. i could just tell from our conversation that she was tired. perhaps it helps that i've been around people who are dying often, i just knew from that conversation that she wouldn't live to her surprise birthday party that the family was planning. several times i had said we shouldn't make it a surprise, she might have stuck around if she'd known everyone was flying in. that day as i drove myself to work though i said my little prayer. i remember saying that i would love to see my mom one more time, but i didn't want her to suffer anymore just for me and my wishes. i'd be okay. i asked god to take her if she was suffering and was ready. the next week she was gone. felt badly that several of my siblings were so surprised. not sure how i got on this whole death discussion. oh, talking to my friend. it is kind of a relief to have those stressful days behind you. waiting for a phone call saying something bad has happened. i had worked the night before my father passed. i was home sleeping. i remember i was having a very vivid dream about a code. it was so vivid that i woke up and got my nursing books out to go over what to do if a patients heart stops or goes into vfib or something. i just felt this code so powerfully, it woke me up. soon after i woke, my phone rang and it was my brother telling me dad had died. we took some back trails today just so we could get into some fresher snow and use the snowshoes a bit. more fun with deeper snow. guess i should head to bed soon. just started a book by wally lamb. i have really liked the books by him that i've read in the past. tells a great story. this came in the mail today. my thank you from providence hospital for 10 years of service. i like a simple necklace and the little jewelry box is nice and simple. your welcome providence. i do it for the patients. when i worked on animals and was going to nursing school i really wasn't sure if i could handle working on people. one day in clinicals i had to do the whole arse wipe thing after a patient had evacuated themselves (such a pleasant way to say took a dump, right?) anyway, i just remember thinking no matter how bad this is for me, it has to be worse to be the one in the bed having to have someone wipe your arse. on that note...good night.

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