Saturday, February 11, 2012

my life as an unintentional hermit...

so weird to go entire days with not one call, or text. also strange to go days with no human touch. i know there are others out there that live like this, seperated from the rest of the humans. it wasn't my plan to be a hermit, some days it just feels that way. thank god for my dogs and cats. i often wonder how lonely life would be for people who live alone and have no pets. i'd go mad with loneliness i think. does help having the internet, and sites like facebook. in truth often it's just more ways to demonstrate how alone you really are in this world.
did get moving a bit faster today, despite taking the cough meds in the wee hours. i already took a partial dose this evening, just to take the edge off the cough. got out with the dogs. it was a bit of a dark day, but i followed the sun a bit. after our walk i drove down to turnigan arm to have a look see and take some pictures. good for my sanity. take my mind off the fact that my phone hadn't rung for a few days. it was windy as hell out there, but i like the trains and the icebergs. funny that i was thinking that i should have switched to black and white out there, but then looking at the pictures many of them look like they were shot in black and white. i don't believe i have true depression, but i do believe we all can lapse into short term episodes of depression. guess we just refer to it as a funk. it's like you get sucked in. usually when i get sucked into what i call my melancholy, it lasts a few days to a week. not surprising that i am feeling melancholy after being sick for over a week and feeling disconnected from the people around me. i have friends, but i don't have that best friend in my life. i'm a person who likes having that one person to chat with almost daily and who really likes you for who you are and vice versa. a person who gets you. i have those people in my life, but most of them live further away so we have less contact than we did at another point in life. you get that "it's a wonderful life" feeling some days...if i were gone would i be missed, have i made any difference or impact on those around me? i suppose before my mom passed that near daily phone call was her. she would have been calling each day to see how i was doing or i'd be calling her to check in. miss my mom on weeks like this i guess. that person who loves you for you and truely cares how you are. like i said, the dogs and cats have really helped these past days. they are a constant in my life. they are also in need of my care and attention. it's good to be needed. someone at work had said they could come pick them up for a walk, but i said no. as long as i can walk them, no matter how slowly, i think it's good for me to do so. mentally and physically. the dogs always make me smile and nature is my religion. it's healing for me. the camera just helps me capture all the amazing sights i see each time i'm out there. so lots of pictures again today.despite the fact that if you looked outside you would say it wasn't really a pretty day out. no matter, there is always beauty to be found if you just get out there and seek it out. God never disappoints.i just followed the little patch of sun all day.
it was low tide in the arm. those aren't boulders they are ice bergs. i love the different currents out there. it's pretty amazing how fast it all changes.just watched "marley and me". such a great book/movie. always a reminder of how much i cherish these beasts that share my world with me. they are both my friends and my family. i have lots of family, but they live far away and have thier own lives which keep them too busy to involve themselves much with each others lives. i used to think it was just me, but they really don't interact much with each other either. since i'm usually the one who initiates the interactions i probably keep in the loop more than many of my siblings. it's too bad, i know my mom always hoped we'd be a big support for each other. it is a bummer to have 6 siblings and still feel like i have minimal family. the fact is, if you don't work at things, make them a priority, they drift these bergs do with the tides. eventually they just melt and are lost forever. too windy to stay out on the arm for too long and i didn't drive too far as the clouds and wind were worsening. it was good for my soul though to get out on the road for a few minutes. i don't venture too far on my own in the car in the winters. you can get into trouble fast. that element can get blown around pretty good out there. quite a few people on the trails today. that was my human interaction for the days. i can chat with anyone. feeling a bit better so more able to chat a bit. we did the gasline to powerline to tank trail loop. the parking lot was near full when i arrived so lots of people out. temperatures are in the 30's though. people come outside to enjoy that across the city. i was actually sweating heading up those little hills out there. a bit short of breath at times, coughed a bit extra with the effort, but again...worth it.last night i watched, "the other boleyn sister". it's a period movie. i like historical movies, though they tend to take liberties with the facts. i think the time period was 1600's ish. i did look up the family and history on wikipedia today. womens lives were just so different. the whole king thing too. they just got what they wanted and if they didn't, well, they had no problem getting people killed. it was interesting though despite some historical inaccuracies. daughters were used as bartering tools to increase family power through marriage, or in this case through affairs. the one sister refuses to just be a mistress and have any child from the encounters be bastards and not recognized as her sisters child had been. actually her sister, mary, from what history states actually bore two children to king henry vIII i believe. he broke with the catholic church in order to disolve his first marriage and marry anne. his first wife had briefly been wed to his brother before his brother died. it's all rather complicated. the sisters father and uncle were instrumental in putting the daughters in the kings sights so that they could become his mistresses and increase the families wealth and standing. the sisters mother had spent enough time among the wealthy to know it was probably better to just keep away from the king and all the drama near the throne. i tend to agree with her thinking, even in my day to day work. i just prefer it if those in the ivory towers at work even have no clue who i am. since two of her 3 children ended up being beheaded, she had a point. money and power will always be sought after, but it frequently comes with other problems and complicates life and even endangers it. a singer passed away today at age 48. probably substance abuse related. with money and power and fame comes challenges that people can't always control. if you don't give a king an hier, you are screwed. in the end, it was his daughter that took over the ruling of england after him, not a son. he eventually had 6-7 wives. not sure if any of them gave him a son though a few mistresses did.couldn't stand history when i was young. seemed so tedious with all the dates and names they wanted you to memorize and i wasn't good at memorizing anything.when i don't have to take a test or write a paper about it, i find it all quite interesting. especially interesting how the female role is through the years. there are still many who have a goal of marrying well. many women can support themselves now though and so don't feel that need to tolerate some of the behaviour women in the past had to tolerate. it may have been better in those days to be born simple and live a simple life. those men were probably happy they had gotten any wife at all. the sky was beautiful. i wonder how the sunset was tonight or if the clouds just came back over. i took a little nap at some point.for some reason i had a hankering for kentucky fried chicken. it's a rare hankering, but i figured i'd stop by today. it's just not as good as i remember it being when we'd get it as kids. just not used to eating greasy food like that anymore. should have gotten a subway sandwich.felt too lazy to cook. may go down and make a late night salad after i finish this. the blog is my contact with the outside world. my readership is up a bit this week. not sure what the reason is behind that. didn't get too close to the train as i keep meaning too. no close place to park and too much wind to want to walk very far. they are cool though. i know sheldon on "the big bang" really likes trains. still watching reruns of that show. still cracks me up. also have played way too much bejeweled. zen so i'm up to level 121. not sure why they even make levels, but i guess it gives me a break point.had to take this picture. the rumor always was that you could guestimate the years snowfall by looking at how tall these plants are. well they are still totally out there and not buried despite our record i think that wives tale is busted. it's a myth. they probably grow just as tall each year.liked the trunks today. you can see how dark much of the sky was out there.then there was the patch of sunshine and blue skies that seemed to follow me today. no need to be melancholy. actually feel less melancholy already just writing. writing has always been very theraputic for me.the sun was really hitting these tree's.blossom in sunshine with dark skies behind her. when i first arrived today there was a good wind starting to kick up. that seemed to die down by the time i got started on the hills though.powerline above, below, susitna mountain in the background. no denali today.more trees with dark back ground.i obviously thought that was pretty cool today...took enough pictures of it. could have headed out to my spot and watched dog races, they have had them this weekend. last picture is looking back down gasline trail before hitting powerline section. i'm still a hermit, we'll see what tomorrow brings. perhaps i'll find a human to interact with. if not...i guess that is what the dogs are for.


  1. We check your blog to make sure you are OK, yes you would be missed, just got back from taking Karen to the airport, she is off to warmer climes,

  2. Sorry to hear you're going through a funk. Those can definitely be sad and lonely. Hope you're feeling funk-free soon! I know what you mean about the big families are well. Ours is smaller, but I tend to be the touchstone among all of us almost 100%. I think they talk to each other very rarely, and if I didn't call so often I'm not sure who I'd hear from.

    Btw, Justin and I were talking the other day about how amazingly talented you are as a landscape photographer. You have such a great eye for it. Loved these photos. You mentioned one of your nieces was coming up there. Who's going up there & when?

  3. claire is planning a trip up. should be fun! i'm feeling much better. these bouts of melancholy never last too long. helps me to be more empathetic to people who have chronic issues with depression. must be rough.