Happy Covid Giving Day....

 

i pretty much slept the day away.  i had worked 6 out of the 7 previous nights so i was pretty beat.  did manage to get up and walk the dogs at the dog park. above is Potters in October and below is Potters Creek trail...these are all from October.

woke at a strange hour last night and ended up popping in Love Actually...always a favorite "christmas" kind of movie.

my personal hope of love dwindled out years ago.  never seemed in the cards.  i'm apparently more of a pain in the ass than lovable.  can't even really get my family to like me too much so maybe some of us lack the skill of love...it wasn't for lack of trying. probably over trying.  

i always figured the family seem to believe that it was my leaving the church that meant i would be single.  i had much more dating prospects after leaving the church.  i was never "molly mormon" material.  most mormon guys have a type.  i was not the type. i was too outspoken and in truth i just was not as enamored with the doctrine and all the things i was supposed to be enamored with.  i wasn't the girl planning my marriage by age 10 really.  i think i mostly just assumed that was how it went.  you grew up, got married and had lots of kids...that was the fate.  by 21, that wasn't happening.  even the Bishop i had at the time saw it.  he called me into the office and told me that "it is clear you have no prospects for marriage".  at 21, imagine that!! it was over for me already. i was a washed up old maid at 21.  failed.  

i had one foot out the door i think.  my failure to marry by the age of 21 was just another sign it was time to move on.  i did date a lot.  serial monogamy...slut i guess by some standards.  looking for love in all the wrong people.  had a lot of fun though.  i remember one friend telling me i dated cute guys but that they just didn't have enough intelligence or wit to keep up with me.  

not sure how things are now, but being outspoken and opinionated was not considered all that desirable.  i was independent.  i was supposed to play dumb and needy.  whatever i was supposed to do or be, i was not someone that men flocked to. even with friends, i am somewhat introverted and people do have to make the effort to get to know me i think. i think i do grow on people who actually bother to get to know me.  i long ago decided being single was far better than marrying and being in a miserable marriage.  i mean you really have to feel it is right to jump in....it never was. 

the best thing i did was move far away from everything i knew.  i needed that in order to become who i was.  to sort out what i believed, what was true and what was just stuff i was told was true. i had to break down all i had been told was true and right...tear it down and start from scratch.  in truth i just think much of my 20's were in soul search mode.  though i really believed i was looking for Mr Right, i suspect looking back, the last thing i was ready for was the right guy to come along.  i had far too much to sort out in my head.  we trick ourselves at times.  we think we know what we want when some part of us is way ahead of us and is making sure we don't get ourselves in over our heads. 

some days are lonely...generally those really only happen on days when the world around us tells us we should not be alone.  that we are a failure for being alone.  on those days i have to remind myself that in my day to day being alone is really not the worst thing that could have happened in my life.  there is much worse.  like being with someone who doesn't really care about you or love you.  being with someone who feels obligated to be with you.  the people who stick in my life do so not out of obligation but because they like to be around me.  i forget that some days. 

expectations are often the worst thing.  i have often had expectations of what my family would be like...too many movies perhaps.  for most of them, all they really want out of a "relationship" with this sibling is a few obligatory calls each year and a Christmas card.  they want a gathering occasionally in order to get the photo op of all of us together appearing happy and connected.  

it was me that threw the wrench in all that...i left the church, i was independent, i spoke out, i said things they did not wish to hear, i took their bait in arguments that they wanted to win so they could feel right and i would be seen as wrong.  

i have learned better to not take bait.  i still am outspoken and though i do understand that i am not always right...guess what, nobody is always right but nobody is always wrong.  they are better at the debate than i am...or than most people they do debate with...they just have never learned that winning a debate doesn't guarantee you are right, it only means you are great at debating. 

covid is here, each week i work the numbers of it are more and more and more.  i am exposed all the time no doubt.  i'm in and out of those rooms.  they are all over. it's changed a lot.  it's added a lot of stress to my life but it's also opened up the chasm of who is in my life and who really isn't.  who have been supportive and who have been the opposite of supportive. 

as i face it more and more i have less and less tolerance for the ignorance of those who have for months down played it's existence or the damage it can do.  who have repeated ridiculous claims put out by the far right and the conspiracy theorists.  you just reach a point where you are saturated...for your own salvation you have to move further and further from those who bring negativity into your life, who don't see you, who can't support you.  who can't even do the most basic of things to make you feel valued.  

as the youngest of 7, i was ignored, forgotten,not seen.  i tried everything i could to be seen, but eventually you have to accept that those who never bothered to really see you never will. so i'm trying harder to just accept that all most of my family is...is a christmas card and perhaps an annual or semi annual phone call where i listen more and speak less.  there is little interest in who i am.  play the game...

i was always the one who belonged on misfit island...i knew it every year when we watched Rudolph the red nosed reindeer...i belonged on that island with the misfit toys and misfit people, so strange to think that a kid could see themselves that way.  

since i was 10-11 i knew i didn't fit in.  i wrote notes to my Mom and put them on her bed many nights. in those notes i would write things like i knew she didn't love me or that she loved the other kids more.  i wrote in my diary that it would be better if i wasn't there, that i wouldn't be missed.  again, so odd. if it was a different time, my mom would have consulted my Dr and had me analyzed.  i had no clue what suicide was. i have never had any plans and serious thoughts of suicides...i do often have a voice running through my head telling me i don't belong that i am not worthy. reminding me that i have no love and that i am  not loveable. that is depression.  

for me i have so far only had short times of this...generally a matter of a day or two, maybe a week.  it's easy to start believing those voices in your head telling you that you are worthless and unlovable. i can only imagine how it is for those who feel that every waking moment.  i can see how that can progress to the point that people take action.  

i woke feeling it yesterday.  probably shouldn't have answered the phone at all.  did appreciate the calls that came, i wasn't going to call anyone.  any act of kindness that comes when i am on one of my melancholy moments is appreciated.  there must be so many out there enduring it who have no acts of kindness directed at them.  there are some members of my family who do see me more than others.  i don't believe they want to know of depression or melancholy.  it's just not the kind of family we ever were. 

the nasty message from my one brother hit me harder than i care to admit.  imagine having a family member express absolute hatred towards you.  i mean if your family can't love you how can you expect anyone else to.  i haven't responded and honestly, i have no plan to. you have to start to respect yourself enough to decide that people can hate you but you don't have to immerse yourself in their hatred...you can walk away.  let them live with their own hate.  the truth of live generally seems to be that when hate like that is directed at you, even though it's painful, it's generally way, way more about the other person.  their own internal hatred and failings.  they just attack you rather than face the facts in their own lives. much easier to blame others than see your own failings. still, it's harder to do.  you speak to other family and they want to cheerfully tell you what he is up to.  when another brother called today, i did just say that i had no interest in hearing how this particular brother spent his holiday...and moved on to other things 

work is exhausting and stressful.  

this week i did two nights in the ICU and the third night in ER.  i'm sure i annoyed the Charge...i'm opinionated and outspoken with everyone.  you have to stand up for yourself though.  

the Ivy knee update.  she is scheduled for surgery and i have been granted vacation....so hopefully, that all works out.  she is mostly doing the non-weight bearing on the right leg...so that will be the one that i get fixed. the surgery isn't until late January.  hopefully by then we are past the worst of the covid at work.  hopefully, i don't get sick before and have to cancel surgery or sick after and have to deal with a dog in recovery while i'm trying to deal with covid.  

we will see what happens with the other knee after we have this one repaired.  i had to change how i was thinking about it all.  in some ways, i will be fixing her knee more for myself.  i need her walking so i can walk. it's my therapy in life to get out with the dogs walking....so the money spent is just going towards making my life more joyous....getting out there, walking, taking photos...i need it, so i need her with a good knee. 

working on a refi in order to take advantage of the interest rates that are super low...as low as we will probably see. that will make the financial bit of the surgery a bit less painful. i have dog insurance, i got it for something such as this so i will use it and hopefully get a good chunk back. 

got the Christmas cards pretty much done.  got the calendars packed.  then i went on line and did some online shopping.  stuff should get sent off. keeping it simple i think...

not sure how much more decoration i will do. with covid i just see much of the holidays as a bust.  i'll work them all, make the extra cash.  ponder picking up a few extra half shifts if i can. 

a few gifts for the cats....the dogs just want tennis balls and we will be out of tennis ball commision for a bit.  

ivy was really sore after todays walk.  i put her leg support on for walks.  she is so excited she just behaves normally...will have to curtail that after her surgery.  i'm anxious how i'll be able to keep her from mucking up the surgery.  she's kind of crazy!!

always good to get the business stuff of Christmas out of the way so i can enjoy the more simple aspects of it that i enjoy.  

i always do the stuff further away first then focus on the local stuff. 

looks like quite a bit of snow over the next week.  always just makes it look fresh and beautiful.  

do love these faces.  such cuties

the holidays will be filled with covid 

people are over it...and it's just getting worse and worse.  each day the numbers are higher.  over 700 new positives the last few days.  over 120 admitted to the hospital and i think over 20 currently on vents. not sure when electives will be stopped again, but it's gotta be getting close to it. i suspect very soon i'll be doing covid holds in the ER

i think the calendars turned out well. i ordered a few more...some have expressed interest in buying a few.  

won't make any real money at it but it is fun to have interest. 

i've taken to wearing pony tails...similar really to how my mom always did my hair, though that was mostly  a braid on each side over two ponytails. it seemed to work well with the n95 and face shield. 

everyone is getting loads of zits from wearing the masks all shift. 

nurses get nurses....we are in it together.  we know what we are up against. many are out with covid or out because of an exposure.  so keeping staff numbers up can be tough, plus knowing others are going out with this is just a constant reminder that your time is coming.  that  you can't escape. it's not if it's when will you get it and how bad will it be when you do.  

walking is important because of that as well. best to keep yourself in decent shape so that if and when you get covid you will have a better chance of conquering it. 

the critters are already asleep.  the stretch does mean....i think ( better check my schedule) that i will have one extra day off.  i should go back next thursday.  

you can't change others you can only change your own methods of dealing with them.  you have to figure out how to accept the limitations of what others are willing to give. look to others to fill the voids in you may feel. in my case, that tends to be the animals and the many good friends i have found over the years.

people can disappoint you, but you can only make it worse by expecting things from people that they are unable or uninterested in giving. 

the days are short....solstice is still a ways off.  

keep busy and carry on...

trump is golfing a lot. tweeting some....he can just keep golfing.  golf more, do less.  he's still pushing the results of the election are a fraud...send him money so he can fight it in court...so far all his stuff has been tossed.  it's all a scam to him.  it always is.  he is the ultimate con man. i do hear that one huge donor is now suing him....and so it begins.  

thankful for: A.  kind acts.  thanks for conversations and a turkey dinner dropped off tonight B. getting some Christmas stuff done C. my fellow staff at work.  we are in it together and we will get through this.