our bubbles...

 

we get to decide who are in our bubbles in this life. Covid has made that even more clear. sad to be stepping back from some bubbles but grateful that texting, messaging and social media allow us to have larger bubbles.  

i think back to the days of the 1918 epidemic and how limited communication was even without a pandemic.  people wrote notes.  in many places those notes would be delayed weeks to even months.  

i think of someone like myself who took off to Alaska, away from everyone and everything i knew...back in those days my family may never have heard from me or just gotten a letter every few years.  once you moved this far away it was doubtful you would return or that they would visit this far north so there was a possibility you would never see family again. 

even in these modern days i am far away and have very few visits from anyone from my past and i head south less and less. 

add to that a pandemic and then politics which cause great division.  it is more and more likely that i will never see some of my siblings live and in person ever again...

one, last week, made this even more possible. i suspect the timing of the election is probably more the likely cause of the hateful message, but hate it was.  to have such venom directed at you from someone who you grew up with...and then to have to head to work.  thankfully, i did not pick up.  

we are not going to be liked by everyone we meet and i guess we may even have to accept that we can be hated.  i could feel the hate in his voice. easy to blame others for things that truly are not their doing, but many times people do not want to accept any fault in their lives.  easier to blame others. 

i recall there was a man i was dating in Ketchikan. while we were dating my father passed away.  when i returned from the funeral it became oddly more and more clear that he was seeming to be jealous of the time and energy i was investing into grief.  i couldn't deal with the death of my father and his odd jealousy of that death. i broke up shortly after returning from the funeral.  the guy then made my life miserable.  he'd drop things off at my door, he'd call and leave messages, it was a small town so it was easy to see what i was doing, where i was and who i was with. 

he would call and at times he would be in tears, begging me to change my mind, then other calls he would be angry at me and yelling at me for doing this to him.  at some point the venom in his voice was more than i wanted to deal with.  i remember i just said, "if you need to make me out to be a total bitch to get through this, then fine, i'm a total bitch, but i don't have to listen to you" and i hung up. that was the end of that.  

i feel like this with this brother.  i'm done.  i don't have to engage or participate in this.  i can walk away.  it's sad that it's a  brother but i heard the hate.  you can't fix that really.  someone's hate.  like i said i suspect it has more to do with his general rage at life and rage at the politics....my political views being very different than his. i was probably no more than a scape goat for his rage and frustration.  his relationship with his daughter....i did not cause that to be difficult, but it is easier for him to think that i guess. 

we get to decide who we keep in our bubble.  sometimes despite blood being thicker than water...it's better to break the glass and let it all pour out.  

my self esteem is less than stellar, i don't need any help being negative.  cutting off those who do not seem to accept me, like me or want me in their lives seems like a pretty easy thing to do...it's family though so never really easy...but necessary.  

these are all in Valdez on a weekend trek there this summer. 

love to watch the salmon.  thought i still think they all must have done something pretty awful in a previous life to end up as salmon. such a brutal life cycle.  returning up these rivers under very difficult and trying circumstances only to breed and die.  all the while every other living thing is set out to kill and eat them.  

these sea gulls are battling it out. it was fun to watch.  most of them were spending their time pecking out the eyes of the salmon.  they don't kill them, they just peck out the eyes of the dying fish.  see brutal. 

so i was a bit discombobulated when i got to work that first night. 

then my name wasn't on the list....was i not scheduled?  in the end i guess they finally had put me in the observation unit.  it seems like a peach of a place to take a shift, but i only lasted there for about 30 minutes, then i was moved to the cardiac ICU. i got the grand tour and the codes. 

i guess my boss had gotten texts/emails all days asking if someone else could work in the obs as they wanted me for other places. 

the next two nights i was in the ER.  the patients were getting rooms though so both nights i closed up the back unit, gave breaks and then headed home a bit early. 

covid is all over.  i don't think the place had any vents with covid so that is good.  is it so far less deadly? have we figured out better ways to keep folks off the vents or to help them get through this.  

the numbers are going up though.  so the hospitals across the state are having to deal with these patients.  the villages will get overwhelmed quickly...even if it's just people coming into clinics with mild cases. 

 here is a seagull poking out an eye ball

brutal

we seem to still be doing elective procedures so we can still back off of those if the case numbers keep going up.  

we are averaging in the 500+ cases/day range.  currently over 100 are hospitals across the state. i suspect my hospital and the native hospital have the bulk of that. spoke to a friend and Regional just had like a dozen i think in house. 

Biden is the President-elect.  a huge sigh of relief, though trump has not conceded and probably never will.  Cohen thinks he will just head to mar a lago for the holidays and never return.  others think he will terrorize the nation in his last 70 days in office.  he will be doing some firing and has already started. so far he's been keeping a low profile, no public events/meetings.  golfing and tweeting.  that is no doubt how the rest of his life will go.

if he stays out of jail..i suspect he will.  money, even if you have blown through millions of it, will save you. 

he speaks of running in 2024, but i kind of suspect his ego will prevent him from trying and failing.  he may very well "run" though in that he will sign up on the day of Bidens inauguration to run so he can do rally after rally and his supporters can buy his crap and pay to see him....or, God forbid, one of his knucklehead kids will try and run.  

Biden and Harris will have no peaceful transition.  it's lucky that Biden was recently in office and knows a lot of good people who i suspect will jump back into positions they held before. 

will he do more damage before he goes.  he seems focused on the legal avenues of turning over the election results. he has always turned to lawyers to fix all of his created issues so that is not shocking at all.  in the end i don't think even Barr or his indebted supreme court can help him undo the election.  that may be a bridge too far. 

i am spent on faith though when it comes to this administration.  i do feel a huge sense of relief, but won't be comfortable until he is really out of that office, no longer in control of the nuclear codes.  he gets away with crap and has many enablers. 

people across the globe are happy with the news.  he will quickly become a non-issue once out of office.  sadly, there are millions in our nation who were taken by him and his craziness and hatred live on. 

there are now a total of 666 children taken at the border that his administration has failed to reunite with parents...if that number isn't a sign from God as to the evil of this administration i don't know what is. 

there are still trump supporters outside places where votes are still being counted screaming about voter fraud...there has not been any actual cases spoken of..they don't want the mail in ballots counted, even though many states allow those to come in for several days after an election as long as they are post marked on the day of the election.  many states are close but not Bush/Gore close..that was close only in Florida and it was like 500 votes off from each other.  not likely the differences will be made up here.  

overheard a few at work mention they thought the election was rigged. i just broke in and said, it's not rigged.  i mean the crazy thing is if the Dems were gonna go through trouble and risk of rigging the election why would they not make sure to get Moscow Mitch out as well.  at the moment Biden will  be once again hampered by that fool Mitch. 

we need to get some stuff actually done.  

these reflections were at the Valdez Glacier. it had loads of calvings this summer.  crazy really.  would be a fun trek for winter to get out there on the frozen lake with all that ice poking out. 

the dogs enjoyed their swim.  

Ivy is scheduled for a second opinion. i still think it's more her back than her knees.  hopefully we can find a better option than surgery. 

we've had some snow this weekend.  so Sunday the dogs and i were out front and out back....them chasing tennis balls while i shoveled snow.  we did get to the dog park a few times though, despite sleep. 

the phone message upset me and sleep was rough, but you do get to choose who is in your circle and my circle is a bit smaller now. 

i'm okay with that.  you have to take care of yourself.  you can't let others negative/hateful lives work their way into yours.  

i am grateful for those in my bubble....whether that bubble is live, texts, calls or whatever.  with the way the world is keep a tight hold on the positive and walk away from the negative.  you can choose hate or love.  

i am not perfect.  far from.  i am sure there are things in my past that i have shame for, we all do.  none of us are perfect.  but i believe it's more about our intentions.  i think it's also a lot about what we do with our mistakes, or missteps.  how do we let them direct our lives. do we become better people for having made mistakes or do we become bitter and angry and blame others? do we own them?  do we use our mistakes to help others or to be understanding of others?  

at some point though you do need to save yourself from those who are burdened with anger and hatred and rage. it's fine to walk away.  

they can hate me, they can call me names, they can talk evil of me...but i do not have to listen.  

i have that power...this week i chose to use it.  

i hope we can make my sweet girl feel better.  she's a peach!!  

thankful for A.  the positive people in my happiness bubbles  B. living far away C. shorter hair again...i chopped off 4-6 inches the other day  D...bonus....that Biden has won over Trump.  good over evil, rational over irrational, sane over insane....